Tonight started out as a typical Friday night. I was hanging out in the family room catching up on So You Think You Can Dance episodes when I noticed a slight movement near the ceiling fan in the dining room. I didn’t think much of it, figuring it was the fan blade’s shadow reflected on the wall by the lamp. A few minutes later I went upstairs and something with wings flew near my head. I thought it was a bird, but oh, no, it was a freaking bat!
Now, I can do birds. I do not, however, do bats. So I open the back screen door in a panic, grab a dinky little file folder, and start trying to swat it in the direction of the door. I then ran upstairs to slam all the doors, all the while making stupid noises and flipping my s**t. Well, Mr. Bat then decides to put his suction cup paws on my upstairs wall and just hang out near one of my tree pictures.
So then I open the front door, too, turn off all but 1 light, and creep back upstairs hunched over like an old wicked witch with my file folder and have to get dangerously close to get him unlatched from my wall. Several minutes later he finally went out the front door. I have no idea how he got in; it’s not like I leave my screens wide open, so maybe he flew in when I was going out to adjust the sprinkler. I am trying to calm down now since I’m a hot sweaty mess and my BP is through the roof. Here are the text messages between me and a friend for comic relief.
Pardon the foul language, but I tend to have a potty mouth in situations like this.
Me: There was a mofo bat in my house! OMG. I finally got it out. WTF WTF. I’m shaking and my BP is through the roof.
SP: I wish you could see me laughing!!!
Me: You come in here and swat around at it as it flies around and then sticks to my wall upstairs. Stupid effing bloodsucker. OMG. I think I have palsy now.
SP: JP wants to know how you got it out?
Me: I opened the front door and back door, screamed and made some other dips**t noises, and swatted toward it with a folder until it figured it out. Eff. I need a Xanax.
SP: You should see JP’s face! What room was it in?
Me: The living room and kitchen. I saw a shadow but I thought it was the fan blade reflecting in the lamp. Ahhhh
SP: JP is as grossed out as you! You should have taken a pic!
Me: Eff that. And let it get comfortable on my wall?
SP: Just for a sec!
Me: No. I barely had time to run upstairs and slam all the doors. Eff that little effer.
SP: You are making me laugh!!!
Me: I’m so glad I can be entertaining for you. Holy s**tballs. That was horrible. Why does s**t always happen when B is gone?
SP: I don’t know. It’s the same for me. JP has to go out of town in a few weeks.
Word to the wise: if you ever have an encounter with a bat in your home, turn on ALL the lights inside, turn OFF the lights outside, and then the little bloodsucker will fly into the night where he belongs. Sick. I think I need a shower now to properly disinfect and cool off from the instantaneous fight or flight response connected to my hyperhidrosis. On a positive note, I just won a free 1 hour massage! This will be a good experience for me, as I’ve been too afraid to ever have a massage because of my sweating. It’s time to step outside of my comfort zone. I deserve it after meeting Batman.
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